


The Mythbusters Test Some Penis Myths

by Vroomfaucet



Category: MythBusters RPF
Genre: Blood and Gore, Genital Torture, Multi, Self-Mutilation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-08-18
Packaged: 2018-02-13 16:46:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2157936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vroomfaucet/pseuds/Vroomfaucet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Mythbusters test rumors, legends and old wives' tales regarding the masculine rod of pleasure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mythbusters Test Some Penis Myths

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction starring a fictional representation of the cast of Mythbusters. None of the events described in this story are true. No money was earned by the author from this work of fiction.

The penis. The most fascinating organ of the male human body. Not only does it initiate the act of reproduction, it also provides the greatest pleasure known to man, woman and livestock. This powerful rod of flesh and muscle has aroused the curiosity of human civilizations for several millennia and inspired a great number of tales and legends.

In today's episode, the Mythbusters will put some of these phallic myths to the test.

Let's join Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman in their workshop...

"Dude, check out the size of that thing!" Adam chuckles through a mouthful of potato chips. "That has got to be what, at least 15, maybe 17 inches long?

"Judging from the rest of the environment, I'd say 20 is an accurate guess." Jamie answers in a flat voice. He displays absolutely no amusement as he watches the pornographic video, and seems even more peeved that he has to watch it with Adam, of all people.

"20 inches? Dude, holy shit! How could that guy possibly fit that all in his ass? Whoa, he really got it all in, like down to the balls, man. Oh my god, that rectal control, that is amazing!"

"Are you sure you're really straight?" Jamie eyes his partner with much suspicion. "You seem to be enjoying this hardcore gay porn way, way too much. Remember, we're watching it only for science."

"Of course, man. Of course--"

"I'm not even gonna dare to look down. I might see something disturbing."

"It's just so fascinating, that anyone could have a manhood that is that... ginormous."

"Adam, everyone knows that those inhumanly large penises you see in porn are artificial. I mean, I've got friends who are special effects technologists who work behind the scenes on these pornographic videos, and they say that it's just prosthetics. That, or CGI."

"Well, true. Apparently, the record holder for the largest penis on a human being has a measly size of only 13.5 inches, which doesn't even come close to Mr. Sylvester Stallion here. Regardless, that hasn't stopped some men from trying to achieve that impossible length. Which brings us to our first myth... penis enlargement methods."

Since the dawn of time, men from around the world have tried to increase the lengths of their penises. From eating unusual foods, to performing exercises, to pills and surgery, the male half of the human race has attempted virtually everything to enhance what nature has gifted -- or cursed -- upon them. But what works? And what doesn't?

"Science has established that the length of a man's penis," Jamie explains, "is influenced primarily by two factors: genetics and hormones. However, if you look at your spam folder, you would see so many advertisements for penis enlargement. Let's see here..." he opens his spam folder, and reads aloud, "Give her a bigger package this Valentine's Day. Add 5 inches to your tool. Miracle cream for your tiny wee wee. Grow it into a massive cock. She'll be begging for more! Ad infinitum."

"Which shows that the penis enhancement industry, if you can call it that," posits Adam, "is quite profitable, since somebody must be falling for that. Or maybe some of it actually works, who knows? And this is where we'll find out."

"Actually, this industry plays on men's insecurities and uses the belief that a bigger penis is more appealing to women."

"Well, ain't that the truth?"

"No, it isn't. Otherwise, my slut of an ex-wife wouldn't have been fucking you behind my back, demanding a divorce, and taking half of my assets, since my dick is at least twice as big as yours. We both know that." Jamie and Adam are members of the same local gym and have showered a number of times together, no homo. "Or do we have to drop our pants and prove it to our viewers?"

"Jesus Christ, Jamie. That's been, like, two years ago. Can't you just let it go?"

"Uh, no." Since the affair, Jamie has been trying to maintain a strictly professional relationship, at least in front of the camera, with Adam, but the man's grating, unapologetic and immature behavior has been increasingly wearing down his patience. Stoic as he is, Mr. Hyneman has his limits.

Adam decides to steer back to the show's topic. "Alright, what is the first penis enhancement method that we're trying?"

"There's this ancient Indian penis enhancement technique, which is described in the Kama Sutra in graphic detail, so some of our viewers may be familiar with it. It's called the Sacrificial Ritual of the Elephant God," Jamie explains, "and the claim is that if you follow the ritual, the Elephant God would bestow you with a manhood that is as big as an elephant's."

According to an ancient Indian legend, a young king, unable to satisfy his wives due to his abnormally small manhood, begged the gods to provide him with a larger penis. The Elephant God, taking pity on the king, instructed him to cut off his penis, plant it in the middle of the royal garden, and water it every day for a week. The young king did so, and, a week later, an enormous phallus grew in the middle of his garden. He then harvested the penis and reattached it to his groin area using a mixture of honey and holy water. A week later, after offering 700 prayers to the Elephant God, the king found that the penis had permanently fused with his body, and he was able to deliver immensely pleasurable sex, and sire hundreds of children, for the rest of his life.

"That sounds amazing," says Adam. "Who will be testing this myth?"

"You will."

"Say what?"

"I said you will be testing this myth. I already have a huge penis. See?" Jamie promptly drops his pants and underwear and shows off his penis to the camera. Even when flaccid and covered with more hair than his walrus mustache, it is obvious that his penis is indeed freakishly huge. 

"This thing, my friends," boasts Jamie, as he jacks himself to erection, "is ten inches hard. Watch." In less than a minute, his penis was rock hard and proudly jutting out of his crotch like a cannon. Adam and the cameramen gape at his manhood in starry-eyed awe, and, surely, so do the viewers.

"Meanwhile, Adam here, my ex-wife's shit-breath man-whore, is only," suddenly, Jamie pulls down Adam's pants and underwear, "five inches." Adam manages to cover his groin in a flurry, but it is too late. Everyone has already seen that, although it is of an average American size, his penis is hopelessly inadequate compared to Jamie's monster dong.

"Shit, man. I'm so gonna sue you for sexual harassment, seriously! What did you do that for?" Adam is so furious, he is on the brink of tears.

"Just proving to everyone that you are the better subject for this test."

"Oh, fuck it. Fine. How do we go about this?" Adam quickly pulls up his pants and buckles his belt tighter.

"Well, you heard the legend. Cut off your penis, plant it in a holy garden, water it to make it grow, and stick it back onto your groin. And then we'll see how it compares to my," Jamie, still bottom-naked, does a hip pump towards the camera, "100% all-natural giant walrus willy."

To make sure that they perform the Sacrificial Ritual of the Elephant God correctly, Adam and Jamie fly off to India to meet with Dr. Kumar Patel, professor of archeology and expert on Indian myths and history.

"We are here at the Devdas University Library," says Dr. Patel, "which is home to some of the oldest relics and documents from ancient India. The Sacrificial Ritual of the Elephant God is from one of the oldest documents, dating back to 2000 BC. We have to wear these," he says, pointing to some air masks and rubber gloves, "to prevent moisture from our breaths and oils from our skins from ruining these fragile documents."

After dressing up, the men enter the restricted section of the library. Dr. Patel pulls a bundle of very old pieces of paper out from a metal drawer. He goes through several before muttering "Aha!" and lays out the paper on a flat table. It is written in ancient Indian text. Dr. Patel slowly translates:

"It says here that, to perform the Sacrificial Ritual of the Elephant God, a man must first bathe in the Ganges River, on the seventh full moon of the year."

"That's just five days from now!" says Adam. "How lucky!"

Dr. Patel continues: "He must strip himself of all garments and jewelry, and bathe in the river, from the time the sun sets on the horizon, to the time the sun begins to appear as it rises from the horizon. Once he descends into the river, his manhood must remain submerged in the water for the entire duration of the bath. He may meditate and pray to the gods for the strength to endure the elements, but this is not necessary at this point.

"Afterwards, he must not let any cloth touch his skin -- so he must not dress nor towel off the water. He must take a clean blade that has never been used to cut the flesh of an animal. He should harden his manhood, and then use the blade to cut off his manhood while it is at its maximum hardness. 

"Next, while keeping his manhood safe in his hands, he must walk naked to the nearby Garden of Light. This garden," explains Dr. Patel, "no longer exists at the present time, but we know its location, and I will show this to you later on.

"He must go to the middle of this garden, go down on his knees, and gently place his member a palm's width to the east of the center of the garden. And then, with his bare hands, he should dig a hole to the depth of a forearm, put his penis into the hole, and cover the hole with soil such that it would appear as though no one had planted anything in there.

"He must then go back to the Ganges River, take a pot made of clay, and fill it with water from the river. He should then dress and dry himself, walk back to the middle of the garden, go down on his knees, and place the pot a palm's width to the west of the center of the garden. He should then take the pot, lift it high above his head, and beg the Elephant God for his blessing, after which he should pour the water to where he had buried his penis. This watering ritual he must repeat once each day, with the same pot, on the same time, in the next seven days.

"On the seventh day, a phallus much bigger than what he had before should have grown in the middle of the garden. He should take the same blade that he had used before to cut off his manhood, and use this blade to harvest the phallus. He should then, in the same ritual watering pot, mix 10 parts pure honey and 1 part water from the Ganges River, and stir the mixture with the blade. Once the water had mixed thoroughly with the honey, he should dip his fingers in the mixture, smear the mixture onto his groin, and reattach the newly harvested penis.

"Afterwards, he must offer 100 prayers of thanks each day to the Elephant God. If he arouses enough mercy from the Elephant God, he would find that the penis has permanently attached to his body. Thus ends the Sacrificial Ritual of the Elephant God."

"Sounds like a very elaborate ritual," says Jamie.

"Yup," says Adam. "Let's do this."

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued. Next part: We'll meet up with Kari, Grant and Tory.


End file.
